Sense of humor a must! The couple that laughs together stays together.

  • Two nuns are riding in a car together one night when a fallen tree stops their progress.  Out of the darkness a vampire comes at them, ready to attack.  One of the nuns looks over at the other and says, “Quick Mary! Get out and show him your cross!”  So Mary gets out of the car, folds her arms, scowls, and yells, “I’m very angry with you!”
  • Have I told you my pizza joke? No I can’t… It’s too cheesy.
  • So Brian and Anna are this married couple who live in a house across the pond from old Henry’s supermarket.  Usually they take the long way around the pond to the store, but it was winter and the road was blocked with snow.  Anna says to Brian, “Sweetheart, you stay warm in the house, I’ll go across the frozen pond to get us the ingredients for our soup. Can you give me some cash?”   Brian says, “Oh no, don’t bother, just have Henry add it to our bill.” Anna is upset by this. She says, “Brian, why don’t you just give me money? Do you not trust me with it?” Brian immediately jumps in to calm her down, “Oh no, my dear, it’s not that at all. I just don’t know how thick the ice is.”
  • What did God say when he created man? “Hmm…I can do way better than this.”
  • Did you hear about those guys who stole a bunch of Viagra? Ya, the cops are warning everyone that there are a gang of hardened criminals on the loose.
  • So Anna sends her husband Brian to the sex therapist.  She’s been feeling neglected as he spends all his time working in the shed and doesn’t save any time for romance.  He loves her so he complies and goes the therapist for some help.  After he got back Anna found him in the shed again, this time singing love songs to his John Deere. She’s a bit bewildered. “Brian, why are you serenading this farm equipment?”  He says,  “Because the therapist said I have to do something sexy to a tractor!”
  • An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are seated side-by-side at a bar.  Each has a mug of beer in front of him. Simultaneously, three flies land in the beers, one in each mug.  The Englishman looks at his beer, pushes it away and asks the bartender for a new one.  The Scotsman reaches his fingers into the beer, picks up the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer. The Irishman reaches into the beer, picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells, “Spit it out, you bastard!  Spit it out!”
  • What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?  Go for the juggler.
  • Julius Caeser walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, “Don’t you mean a martini?” Caeser says, “Look, if I wanted a double I would have told you.”
  • A couple of hydrogen atoms were hanging out when all of a sudden one of them starts looking around and says, “Oh my gosh! I lost an electron!” His friend says, “Are you sure?” He said, “I’m positive!”
  • A pony walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender asks the pony to speak up. The pony says, “Sorry, I’m a little hoarse.”