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Cheating June

~ An Abridged Guide to Being a Modern Super Woman

Cheating June

Category Archives: Dear Diary

Personal musings on life and love

The Work.

29 Friday May 2020

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary

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School work - 1946

Self-examination with a weighty purpose

I am white and female. I am privileged. I am Oklahoman. I am American. I come from a place where the past is uncomfortable, painful, shameful, and unspoken. The traditions I come from rely on compartmentalization and denial. The culture taught to me was to cover feelings, to move on to move forward. I have a lot of Work to do.

The Work: the Work is mine. I have to figure it out. No one can tell me what to do for the Work, but they can help me find it. They can help me know myself, articulate my intrinsic knowledge. I find the Work when I find hard truths- the parts of myself and my history that make me cry or shake or freeze or swallow hard. When I identify these places, I have found what I must confront. These are aspects of myself that are scary for me to venture into, but they are same areas that, if not reconciled, make me dangerous and harmful to others. 

What sort of frightening messages do these truths hold (and how do I know when I am close to them)? They tell me I am stupid and wrong (I convince myself I am right). They tell me I am weak and vulnerable (I make myself impenetrable). They tell me I am not good enough (I think, at least I’m better than you). They tell me I am unworthy of love (I project that on to you, too).

It takes courage to do the work of breaking through defenses that I put up to then do even more work on repairing parts of myself that hurt. In the past, I surely tried to breeze by these painful parts of my life or my mind. Maybe I drank. Maybe I shopped. Maybe I busied myself. Maybe I moved away. Maybe I found someone to love me. Maybe I blamed them when the pain resurfaced. Maybe I didn’t want to face it, and I kept reaching outside for something or someone to heal me.

Now is the time to do the Work. My country, my culture, my workplace, and my family are shifting. Hidden internal conflicts are coming to a head all around us.

Collectively, we have to resolve years of festering neglect to our interconnected social and environmental systems. We have to find a way to reshape our world so that we can, quite literally, survive. COVID-19, racism and prejudice, and climate change are threats to us all. Our social structure, our collective uncomfortable history and painful truths must be confronted in order to move forward. To do this, we need brutal honesty and humility at the individual level. I have to do my WORK.

I, along with the rest, am called on to do the Work. As one causing harm, I am called on to do disproportionately more of the heavy lifting. I have to. It can only be done by me, because it is my heart, my mind, and my actions that have to change. It doesn’t mean anything if I try to get the answers from someone else. Deep down, I know what I have to do, or at least where I have to start.

You have to stay focused on the work…Y’all know what the work is. If someone has to tell you what the work is, then you don’t want to know what the work is. Then you don’t want to do the work. You know what the work is. Anybody who wants to do anything knows exactly what the work is. And if you don’t know what the work is, find out. It’s easy to find it out.  -Billy Porter

This however, does not mean that I don’t have support as I go through this journey. I am doing my Work while those around me are doing theirs. Others share their stories, and I share mine, and we learn from one another. I have my therapist, friends, family, teachers, and mentors to help. They help me work through sticking points. They help me say the unsayable, and then it becomes less scary. They help me trade my harmful habits for healthy ones. They help me understand that I am worthy, that I am lovable even with flaws, and that I can overcome my mistakes.

This journey may seem like it is dwelling in the past and stirring up trouble. But it is nothing compared to the prolonged anguish of doing nothing. Of always looking around for a magical antidote for mental unrest. Of feeling shame and guilt in the most unlikely of places. This Work is for me. It is for others. This Work is worth it.

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When you burn your hand on a pot handle

11 Wednesday Sep 2019

Posted by lovelycoach in Street Smarts

≈ 3 Comments

dad cooking

Somehow, this is easy to do. For me, it happened when a burner I’d accidentally turned on heated the handle of the pot that was sitting on the burner I’d meant to turn on. I won’t go into details. Bottom line: I full on grabbed a piping hot metal pan handle and scorched the surface of my palm.

When I looked on the internet for specific solutions to this problem, there were plenty of headlines about grabbing a hot pot handle, but I was taken to generic burn instructions that didn’t necessarily speak to my issue. However, I sifted through them to find some sort of pain relief and strategies to limit blistering. I have compiled this list of relevant and helpful guidelines for addressing this specific problem.

First, take off jewelry. Your hand is going to get puffy and red. It’s going to feel like the worst sunburn you’ve had.

Second, run hand under cold water faucet. Experts say 10-15 minutes (click for link). If you fully grasped the pot/pan handle, you’re going to need more time than this. I felt bad about wasting water, so I put cool water in a bowl and just moved my hand back and forth.

If possible, take an ice pack out of the freezer and let it sit out at room temperature during this time.

Third, stay away from putting stuff on your hand. I tried a few products with aloe in them and then just straight aloe, and each one seemed to intensify the burning. Though internet searches said these would help, anything that covers the burn limits its ability to dissipate heat. Cool water is best.

Fourth, the cooled ice/water pack is helpful for moving about. Ideally, this wouldn’t be an ice pack because very cold temperatures on the skin after a burn can further damage tissue (see link here). When my pack was a bit too icy, I wrapped it in a towel that made it feel the temperature of cool water.

Fifth, if this happens at night, sleep at the edge of the bed with your hand in a bowl of cool water sitting on something below bed height (chair, tiny table, etc.). I tried this two ways, first on my back with my left (burned) hand off the left side of the bed. This is tricky because I had burned my palm and had to turn my arm in an awkward position. The second way worked better for me. I laid on my right side and let my left hand rest in the bowl of water that was on the right side of the bed.

When I woke up the next morning, my pain had subsided and my hand was out of the bowl.

Sixth, if there are no blisters, leave hands bare. While the rest of the day there were still some hot spots (pre-blister) on my hand, they were mostly gone, at least smaller, and healing quickly.  If there are blisters, don’t pop them and keep them covered to reduce risk infection (see link here). I didn’t have this issue, but I trust traditional first aid knowledge at this point.

Luckily, our skin is amazing (see here) and can heal quickly when we take care of it. Give it some TLC while its healing, and you’ll be back in business in no time.

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How to Write a Reflexivity Statement (for professional or personal purposes)

10 Thursday Jan 2019

Posted by lovelycoach in Street Smarts

≈ 2 Comments

 

Constance Talmadge by Lumiere, 1921

Taking a good, hard look!

One little trick can help you gain more accurate research results, improve personal relationships, and avoid professional pitfalls. All it takes is answering questions you inherently know the answer to and then taking a few steps to make those answers useful.

How do you see the world? What paradigms structure your life? How are you influenced by the people and places around you? And vice versa?

These questions are part of what are answered with a reflexivity statement. They are crucial to understanding yourself and your place in the world around you. In research, best practices mandate that you write a reflexivity statement before penning a proposal  or stepping into a community.  You must understand why you are asking particular research questions, how your perspective may be limited, and how you may be prone to bias. Though knowing your inner workings does not prevent them from playing a role in research outcomes or conclusions, it does help to limit their influence and gives you the power to correct for your own shortcomings. Continue reading →

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How to shift a reality trick #3: Brain teasers and moral dilemmas

30 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary

≈ Leave a comment

A DC Streetcar Woman: 1943

Trolley dilemma takes your beliefs and morality for a test drive

We define ourselves by the hard lines that we will not cross.  As we encounter new challenges and new environments, those lines may shift, reshaping our beliefs right along with them. These lines, these attitudes and morals, build our perception of how the world should be and who we should be while we are in it. So what better way to challenge a reality than to test it with new dilemmas that create some tension on those lines?

This method of reality shifting is more of a warm up for bigger changes and new ideas.  Offering no right or wrong answers, it simply asks questions, begs for discussion, and according to some solid research published in Science, activates areas of the brain used specifically in emotional reasoning.  This type of reasoning slows down thought processes, lessens working memory (as is typically activated in reasoning), and activates three areas of the brain associated with emotion. Continue reading →

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How to Shift a Reality Trick #2: Put a Face to a Name

29 Monday May 2017

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary

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Marian Anderson Sings at Lincoln Memorial: 1939 # 4

Singer Marion Anderson shakes hands with Secretary of the Interior Ickes during the dedication of the Lincoln Memorial.  Interactions like this make a big difference in shaping peoples’ views.

One way that we hold our own identities intact is by surrounding ourselves with like minded people and influences.  This tactic is becoming progressively easier to carry out because the online world gives us more opportunity to connect with people of our specific choosing and to reinforce our deeply held assumptions about the world and the people who inhabit it.  We give ourselves the benefit of distance from opposing viewpoints. While we cannot talk someone out of this reality he’s created, we can introduce them to people whose stories and presence may lead him to his own change of heart.

The key to today’s reality shifting trick is to disrupt a previously held belief by introducing a flesh and blood person who challenges that belief, or who that belief harms. Recent research shows that compassion is an integral part of human nature.  Encounters with those in need or those who need help trigger a compassionate response and build our compassionate nature. Continue reading →

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Quote of the Day

08 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary

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Jewel Mazique: A founder of the Capital Transit Fight

Jewel Mazique was a pioneer for women’s rights who broke the color barrier at Capital Transit. Here she is organizing a worker’s meeting.

“Each time a person stands up for an idea, or accts to improve the lot of others, or strikes back against injustice, (s)he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”

 

-Robert F. Kennedy

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Girl Waits with Gun

31 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by stedford in Dear Diary

≈ 1 Comment

In the past ten days we’ve seen large groups of people coming together to make their views known.  Stephanie has talked about her time at the Women’s March in DC and how powerful that experience was.  People coming together to say not just women’s rights are important but human rights are important.

Sometimes just one person can make a lot of noise and make a change.  Like Constance Kopp, the protagonist of Girl Waits with Gun by Amy Stewart.  This book is a fictionalized account of a Constance who has been termed the first lady sheriff.

In 1914 Constance and her sisters live in rural New Jersey with her two sisters.  One day as they take their buggy into town Henry Kaufman hits them with his car.  Everyone is ok, but the cart needs some expensive repairs.  So Constance writes a letter to Henry asking for money to cover the damages.  Which he ignores.  After several letters Constance pays a visit to his office (he’s a silk factory tycoon), which he does not like.

Henry isn’t a good guy.  He’s a bully who begins to threaten Constance and her family, sending letters and breaking into their home.

But Constance isn’t going to take it.  She’s going to get her money and she’s going to protect her family.

This was a really great read made even more fascinating because it’s based on fact.  And here’s to Constance Kopp who stood up for what she felt was right.

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Word of the week: Autopoiesis

30 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary, Diction

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Autopoiesis (otto-poy-E-sis)

(noun) self-production or self-making. Refers to life’s fundamental process for creating and renewing itself for growth and change. Used in chemistry, systems, and sociology.

Example:

  1. June found comfort in knowing the United States history of autopoiesis and held strong to her faith that her country would make it through this troubled time.
  2. Mixing ingredients in the chemistry lab, June found some reactions that went through autopoiesis in amazing fashion.

P.S. A couple of these show autopoiesis, and they’re all pretty fun: https://youtu.be/0Bt6RPP2ANI

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Choosing the Way to Fight Back

08 Monday Dec 2014

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary, Pre-Election, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

The San Francisco Conference, 25 April-26 June 1945

How do you stand up against injustice? Who do you stand with?

Every now and then, we get to show what we’re made of. If we are lucky, every now and then, we get to create or bring about something that is bigger than ourselves, but that still unmistakably has ourself written all over it. In these times, we rise to the occasion and get back in meaning and fulfillment at least as much as we invest in time and energy.

Sometimes, it is taken away.

In such cases, I am angry and resentful, I feel helpless and sad, and I don’t know always how to react, at least not right away. I go over what I did wrong and what I could have done better. I think of all the ways to get even or to make whoever is responsible for my heartbreak feel just as bad as I do. I want everyone to know them for who they really are and assure myself that their true colors will come through.  Most of the time I add in the thoughts I’m supposed to have like understanding the other side and listing all the good things I have from the experience. Inevitably, some emotional trigger brings the injustice of it all back.

Usually I want to be strong and show it by taking the high road. I think things like, the best way to get even is to be better from the experience and unrattled in my response.  Sometimes it’s kill them with kindness. Or I think, if they make me mad, I’m just falling into their trap to make me seem irrational or erratic.  I don’t want to seem as if I’m too weak to be accountable for my actions. Instead, I’ll take the blame for failings, divert my suspicions of injustice, and do what I can from there to move forward. Continue reading →

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Further From ‘Them’ and Closer to ‘Us’

27 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by lovelycoach in Dear Diary, Pre-Election

≈ Leave a comment

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Zoom in, zoom out. Beliefs, values, and meaning in life and are determined on which perspective you choose to take.

Ingrid Michealson’s voice belted out of my computer speakers a minute ago: Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you. Goosebumps covered my arms as I typed away. Soon, through the beauty of Spotify shuffle, her next tune broke the spell: All the broken hearts in the world still beat. Let’s not make it harder than it has to be. It’s all the same thing. One mercurial playlist quickly summed up the struggle between knocking down and putting up the barriers that seperate us from connection and feeling.

What is it that makes us in one instant want to spontaneously run off to Spain with someone in a whirlwind of love and in the next feel like matters of the heart are trivial? Why can we find meaning in everything at some points in life but in others feel all together meaningless? Continue reading →

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